03-15-04
Getting worse..each passing day.
Make it stop...someone please...
I can't function anymore.I can't live.
I feel like day by day my life is closing in on me, about to collapse & give in.
At school..going out,going for a walk,..singing..reading.. I can't do it.
It's all meaningless now...
like my life was anyways.
But now, its just hopeless.
It's difficult just getting through a simple day.
I don't remember the last time i sang...
You know the feeling you get when your claustraphobic?..
Thats how i feel now when im out...& around alot of people.
At school..i wanna cry,_run out of the class & just hide in the bathroom...-in silence,alone.-
I can't do my work.
My migraines get worse & i shake and start hyperventilating.
I only have my words & my thoughts now.
I just wanna break down...and i do.
But while im at school..i have to hold it in.-and it's so hard!!-.
No OTC medication works for me,I'm too tolerant to it all.
Between everything thats wrong with me and everything i feel..
I want to just take a bunch of pills.
i see them and want more..since they never work.-I think...
"Maybe if i take enough they'll make me feel better".
Between these major depressive episodes,& anxiety attacks..if thats what they are.Ima wreck.
Sometimes i wanna just put a sign on labeling me..
-DEPRESSED & IN PAIN..LEAVE ALONE.-
I feel like my friends can see right through me..& i can hide this no longer.
Can they see i'm a wreck?
See the pain in my eyes?...in my voice?
Im pretty sure that physically its now noticeable.
As my appearance looks sick..pale..weak.
I feel like i'm letting everyone down,because i'm no longer happy or strong.
I mean shit..now i add guilt to what i feel. why guilt?
What the fuck is happening to me?why now?why ever?why?
I can't do this..If i'm supposed to be so "strong"..
Why do i feel so weak & helpless?
I'm not strong enough to handle this..& get through this.
I hate relying on other people..
I hate the sympathy & worry.
But i think now..I must accept the help & care..finally.
Am i having suicidal thoughts?..Im not sure.
The thought of death intrigues me sometimes..seems better than this.At times seems so much simpler..
This is death... Compared to this..anything is better.
This is bad right?-but i cant help it.
I wish i could...but i really can't.
Im sorry..whoevers reading this..
Don't be upset with my words.I'm sorry. -Angie